“We simply live alongside a massive unfillable void,” GP Shivani Tanna reflects as she shares the story of her family’s journey through grief.
In the months after she lost her husband unexpectedly, netball became more than just a sport; it became a source of comfort and community.
Here Shivani tells her story in her own words…
Thursday 28 October 2021 was a day that changed my children’s lives forever. Just one year before, our young family had moved to Cheshire as my husband got a great job. A few months later, as lockdowns were lifting in April 2021, we were enjoying a short break at Center Parcs followed by a great summer celebrating my husband’s promotion as a Professor.
Life could not have been better. My daughters were 12 and eight and thriving at school. Weekends were spent playing tennis, golf and enjoying family time, while weekdays were busy juggling work and activities.
On Thursday 12 August 2021, we had no idea about the tragedy that was about to strike us as my husband was admitted to hospital with what we thought was a simple infection. Three months later, I had to sit my daughters down and tell them their beloved father had died.
We all tend to hear about terrible things happening to people, but never really think of them affecting us. When they do, we finally understand the fragility and impermanence of everything in life that fear makes us deny, until we are faced with it head on. Sadly, in the UK, it is estimated that 127 children are newly bereaved having lost a parent every day.*
As a GP, I am well versed in the stages of grief and giving advice to people on strategies to cope based on what I was taught. In my own experience, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression were not felt in stages but all at once. The acceptance stage never really came for our entire family. We simply live alongside a massive unfillable void.
As a mother, a key moment to shift focus on rebuilding was when my eldest daughter spoke to me and reminded me: “Mummy, we are still here!”. They desperately looked to me for permission to continue not only living life but enjoying it too. This motivated me to start thinking of ways to support them through what were the most awful months of their young lives.
I connected with many parents who had been through similar experiences and joined multiple support groups. I extensively researched how children cope with grief and how best to support them. Through countless websites, I concluded that counselling would be the way forward. This was extremely helpful for myself and my 12-year-old daughter in addition to developing interests in philosophy, religion and spirituality. However, my nine-year-old daughter did not engage with therapy despite numerous attempts both in and outside of school. If anything, it was detrimental for her. I am not saying that this is the same for all children as every child is so different, and a “one size fits all” approach is not helpful to adopt for handling child grief.
My daughter wanted to remain active, carry on at school and continue to see friends. Every so often, there would be moments where her emotions would be overwhelming. She missed her old life, especially the fact that her dad loved sports and exercise. She still has wonderful memories of attempting chin ups with him during his morning gym routine and being out in the garden playing football, tennis or simply throwing and catching a ball with him for hours on end.
I was conscious of the fact that the atmosphere at home was now so different. It was quiet and the girls spent more time watching TV in isolation. The same old sparkle she used to have would come through at school sporting fixtures where I recognised she had a natural aptitude for netball.
Before my husband became ill, I recalled collecting her from a summer sports camp where her PE teacher approached me to suggest she join a netball club outside of school as she had seen potential in her. And that’s where her journey started.
I remember arriving at the first netball trial in April 2022. I had been told by parents at school that the club recommended by our teacher had a great reputation and was competitive. My daughter was instantly impressed seeing around 20 girls all arriving with smiles on their faces as they greeted each other and started passing the ball and shooting at the net together. They looked so smart wearing their matching club training kit and you could instantly sense the friendly atmosphere and a sense of camaraderie.
There was a second trial the following week which she thoroughly enjoyed and came home full of stories about how impressed she was that the girls were so fit and talented. I could see she aspired to be like them. I tried to manage expectations about the potential that she may be turned down but was relieved when I received an acceptance email.
In the weeks that followed, we were invited to play in our first tournament. As I nervously approached the area where I could see the rest of the team sitting at 8am on a Sunday morning, the parents were so welcoming towards us and explained how these things worked.
It was great to watch the girls chatting away in between games, play some fantastic nine-year-old netball and celebrate their gold medals afterwards with a Mr Whippy ice cream. After her kit arrived at home, she paraded around wearing her black and silver t-shirts and leggings and proudly told her school friends she was part of this club.
My daughter was desperate to improve to reach the standard of the other girls and got me out in the garden most nights to practice with her. It was not only good for her but great for me too. It was wonderful for me to sit on the sideline of a netball court every Sunday and watch her become such good friends with the other girls and improve so quickly.
Training sessions were a highlight of the week where she would come home dripping with sweat but incredibly happy. Close friendships were developing, and the additional gains of extra parties and playdates materialised.
There is a huge drive to get more children to participate in sports as the benefits are far reaching. There is evidence that physical activity enhances the release of natural endorphins in the body, improving mood and general wellbeing. I could see that my own daughter was much calmer with better sleep patterns when she increased her own level of activity.
In addition, sedentary lifestyles with the increased use of computer games and screens are mitigated against when children are outdoors doing physical activities. Participation in team sports is also known to enhance attributes in children such as leadership skills, teamwork, resilience, and communication skills.
My daughter loved winning with her peers but also learnt how to lose graciously and take on feedback to develop. Parents often worry about their child when they are not selected to play, demoted from a team or facing stiff competition. I personally view this positively as from a young age, they learn how to deal with these challenges that will undoubtedly translate into their adult lives.
The positive impacts for my daughter extended to school where she has excelled in all sports due to her improved strength, fitness, and the confidence she has developed.
From a personal perspective, as a widowed parent, I was dubious about the level of commitment required to ensure my daughter’s netball journey was successful. I had to be organised with my job, housework and managing my other daughter to ensure I could maintain her interests and hobbies too.
Over time, this became easier as I developed close friendships with other parents. Pooling together for car journeys was invaluable in lightening the load for us all. Following her father’s death, my daughter developed separation anxiety and would rarely agree to go anywhere without me. Over time, she got to know the other parents so well and was quite happy to be taken to games with what we call her “netball aunties”.
Whenever it’s my turn to do the drives, I always love hearing the amusement in the back of the car, the weekly debriefs about the latest drama at their respective schools, and the strategies for beating their rival netball teams. The singing and laughter make the time and effort worth it.
My daughter’s netball friends marked the start of a new journey for her as they were oblivious to the fact that she had experienced so much loss and trauma. There was no pity or sympathy, and no questions asked about where her dad was. To them, she was just a normal girl who loved playing netball.
It’s now two and a half years since my daughter joined her club. With our closest networks being in London, we have remained in the north west with a bigger network of trusted friends of which many are fellow netball parents. The support parents of athletes give each other on car journeys, at various sports centres and sitting around chatting at tournaments is invaluable and should not be overlooked.
Amongst the usual discussions on teams, selections, trials etc, we often talk about real life issues around work, marriage, bereavement, and mental/physical health. More importantly, we have a lot of fun ourselves with various parents’ socials and endless coffees. This is certainly one reason I remain motivated to wake up early on a Sunday morning to attend various fixtures!
Sadly, a few months ago, I was introduced to another newly widowed mother with two daughters who were the same age as mine were when their father passed away. We discussed how joining a netball club had essentially given my daughter a new lease of life and how much she had gained from this. She took this advice and her daughter is now experiencing the same positive effects at her own local netball club.
The array of medals and trophies displayed in my daughter’s bedroom are a daily reminder of her sporting achievements and the amazing memories behind each one of them. For me, they are symbolic of a difficult journey, rebuilding a life as a single parent that is unrecognisable from what it was, but one with a new sense of purpose and hope for the future.
I hope other parents who have children suffering with their own mental health issues consider options such as participation in more sports as one of many strategies to help them overcome their challenges.
*https://www.childbereavementuk.org/death-bereavement-statistics
Shivani’s daughter’s story involves participation in a netball club that operates using trials. Attending trials is not the only way children can play netball, there are many clubs that are open to all abilities, including our Bee Netball clubs throughout the country.
If you or someone you know is affected by issues mentioned in this article, for more advice and support visit Child Bereavement UK here.
